Anyone for Roullette?

Even Andrey Ternovskiy, the teenager behind the phenomenon that is www.chatroullette.com, must visit his site at times and wonder WTF? Or whatever the Russian equivalent is. But more than likely he’s too busy rubbing elbows with the high and mighty of Silicon Valley to ever bother video linking with a random stranger. It would seem Andrey is now the phenomenon, being toured around the U.S speaking to potential investors with the view to expanding his site and no doubt building his empire. If it’s cool with kids on the net, then it’s money in the cyber bank folks. Having turned down the offer of 1 million dollars for the site it’s clear Andrey is looking to get Facebook rich. Three days it took him to put the site together in his Moscow bedroom, and since late autumn 2009 Andrey has watched his website become a global addiction. Reported to be inspired by movie classic The Deer Hunter, chatroulette.com is the cyber version of Ronseal Quick Drying Wood Stain; it does exactly what it says on the tin. No sign up, no login and no details need be exchanged; just click start and hold on tight.

Try as I may, I can’t recall any one scene in The Deer Hunter involving Robert De Niro or Christopher Walken exposing themselves to the camera and saying, ‘Do you like it?’. There was that Russian Roulette scene; I guess that’s the inspiration? For those CR .com virgins out there, fear not. There is no mortal danger lurking within CR.com. There are however Nazis, masked weirdoes, Dutch fundamentalists (I don’t know what that is either, but they’re there), bored OAP’s that are making good use of that computer skills course their children sent them on, and last but not least, and by far the most popular, the fully naked, and most times faceless, masturbator. Like I said, hold on tight; they certainly are.

Not one to exclude my spouse from the finer things in life, and also to minimize the chances of being caught and grilled about the live penis on my computer screen, I decided we should both pour ourselves a drink and journey into the lives of strangers.

First up, a penis. Okay bad start, click next.....click next, woman! Searching...connecting...to....a penis?! Good god Andrey, what have you done? With my wife giggling like a school girl, and myself pouring a double, we ventured on to the next random stranger hoping they would at least be clothed. Take your seat Jens, the fully clothed German. Jens seems like a decent sort, but, for all we know Jens has 4 skinned corpses hanging on the wall just out of shot. ‘What should we do?’ my wife asks. ‘I suppose we should ask him’ I reply. So we strike up our first ever exchange on CR.com.

‘Jens, do you have 4 skinned corpses hanging on your wall that we can’t see?’

‘Ha, no, funny’

‘Cool; so what you up to?’

‘Just hanging out in my home’

‘You enjoying the site?’

‘Can I see her tits?’

Next!

Jens is followed by some guy wearing a hockey mask; think Jason from Friday the 13th, jackpot. Straight away my loving wife is unnerved and reaching for the mouse to skip us on. ‘No!’ I yelp, ‘These are the people you want to talk to.' She of course disagrees and counters with ‘Maybe these are the people you want to talk to; something you want to tell me?’. I’m of the opinion that weird people without their genitalia on show are genuinely good folk. Wearing a mask does not make you dangerous, just ask Batman. I manage to wrestle the keyboard from her and begin my chat with the masked weirdo.

‘Hey man, what’s up?’

‘I kill prostitutes!’

‘Really? How’d you get that gig?’

‘6 tonight, more tomorrow!’

Instantly my wife is disgusted and demanding I cut this guy loose, but I’m hooked. ‘He said he kills prostitutes; what if he’s a real killer?’. Looking at the video feed from his bedroom I notice he’s got a poster of The Script on the wall behind him. ‘This is a kid for gods sake, he’s no more killing prostitutes than the man on the moon.' I’ve always wondered why my father used the man on the moon to prove people aren’t doing something; the man on the moon must be a seriously boring guy. I move deeper into our chat with Jason.

‘What’s your quota for the month then?’

‘No quota, I kill at will!’

‘Ah, so your freelance?’

‘How are you?’

‘We’re good, just chilling out; gonna watch Phantom of the Opera, I take it you’ve seen it?’

‘No, I hate opera, it’s stupid!’

‘Yeah, a guy like you has to maintain a reputation; can’t have people laughing at you’

‘Do you want to check out my youtube channel?’

Next!

A naked woman is now flashing her breasts at us; I’m assuming it’s for my benefit. Naturally my darling wife is outraged and demands we skip her, but I don’t hear what she’s saying. ‘Click next now!’. I enquire as to why we should suddenly brush this woman aside when we have given several naked men a decent run of time. ‘That’s different; click next!’. The argument is bullet proof as usual, so with my best understanding husband impression, I storm off and leave the woman I love to trawl the site on the look out for decent people. Surely that’s her plan; a plan she’s taken to implementing everyday it would appear.

Andrey Ternovskiy has stated he is trying to keep the site clean, and there is a report button you can choose if you feel any of the random strangers you meet are a bit too much, and after 3 strikes you’re out. But to be honest, I can’t see how you would, or why you would, eradicate the freaks and geeks from this site. I mean, it’s half the fun; it could be the sole reason the site is so popular with almost 4 million visitors each month, and typically 20,000 visitors in a night. Could Andrey be the first person to make his fortune from letting people watch other naked people outside of the porn industry? It would seem he’s on target to and my hat goes off to him, but that’s all I’m taking off.

For those of you too disgusted by the thought of what might greet you each time you search on CR.com or if for personal reasons you don’t want nutters looking at you from the comfort of another continent, give it a miss. But, if like me, you’ve squeezed every ounce of enjoyment out of Facebook that you possibly can and now want to torch your best friends Farmville barn and execute their live stock? It’s time to move onto the hard stuff! If anything you’ll be contributing to the future of a very smart teenager who has had internet entrepreneurs slapping their heads in frustration, shouting ‘I could have done that!’. You’ll be amused, you’ll be repulsed and you may even be a bit freaked out. But just imagine what they’re thinking.